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    Real Phone Call I Woke Up to Yesterday

    RING RING

    ME: Hello?

    THEM: Adam.

    ME: Yes.

    THEM: Jeff?

    ME: What?

    THEM: Jeff?

    ME: Adam?

    THEM: Oh wait…let’s see…what am i doing here…

    ME: I don’t know, but this is Adam.

    THEM: Do you know Jeff?

    ME: Jeff who?

    THEM: Jeff…uh…?

    ME: I don’t know, I need to know his last name.

    THEM: Do you know anyone named Jeff?

    ME: I know like 40 Jeff’s.

    THEM: Hold on.

    ME: I’m not gonna hold on.

    THEM: Is this Jeff Rosenstock?

    ME: This is Adam. 

    THEM: Well, what do you think of Jeff Rosenstock?

    ME: I don’t think I know who that is.

    THEM: It’s about an apartment.

    ME: Oh. No, I’m looking for an apartment.

    THEM: You’re looking for an apartment?

    ME: Yea, is that not what you’re calling about?

    THEM: How’s your credit?

    ME: Excellent.

    THEM: You looking for a 4 bedroom?

    ME: No, I’m looking for a 1 bedroom.

    THEM: Do you live in NY?

    ME: Yea. Are you with an agency? Did we meet?

    THEM: I’m with Supreme Real Estate. What do you think of Brooklyn?

    ME: I live in Brooklyn. I love it.

    THEM: I have a 4 bedroom at Eastern Plaza.

    ME: I don’t even know where that is. Can you please tell me how you got my number?

    THEM: Jeff Rosenstock.

    ME: i don’t think I know who that is.

    THEM: He put you down as a reference.

    ME: For the apartment you’re trying to rent to me? 

    THEM: Yea. What do you think of him?

    ME: I’m not sure I know who he is. Did he say how we know each other? Did we work together? 

    THEM: Please don’t put words in my mouth.

    ME: This is the worst phone call I’ve ever had.

    THEM: I’m looking, I just don’t have anything in a one bedroom.

    ME: I don’t fully understand why you’re calling me.

    THEM: Hold on, I’ll call Jeff and call you right back.

    ME: OK, great.

    HANG UP (and he never called back)

    Jeff Rosenstock, if you’re someone I met at some point, I’m sorry for being the worst reference ever. Good luck with your apartment hunt.

    This goes above the mantle if I ever get a mantle.

    This goes above the mantle if I ever get a mantle.

    It’s a little different driving to Walmart in the Ferrari. exactly what I expected and wanted from “Lottery Changed My Life.”
    Trying to learn Spanish one word at a time from Taco Bell via Twitter.

    Trying to learn Spanish one word at a time from Taco Bell via Twitter.

    collegehumor:

    The Blink 182 front man teaches the delicate art of giving a sh*t.

    I’m Max Hammerton, currently bandless.

    I’ve really been enjoying commenting on my ex-coworker/CollegeHumor Producer David Kern’s Facebook statuses. (click the image to full size)

    I don’t know how to express my disappointment towards North Carolina except to pun at them as angrily as I can:

    North Fali-rolina

    North Care-lame-ina

    North Care-wrong-lina

    North Not-fair-olina

    North Caro-behind-the-times-a

    Basically, as homophobic as North Carolina just proved themselves to be, they just fucked all their gays in the ass.

    John Tesh is kind of a goober, but his NBA theme was far and away the best.

    Wow! Over 10 million people have looked at my naked (blurred) butt!
POV: Dorm Bathroom

    Wow! Over 10 million people have looked at my naked (blurred) butt!

    POV: Dorm Bathroom

    Here’s a time I had a heckler a few years ago (I’m slow posting videos). She booed me immediately, and I’m too nice to be scary, but she was dealt with SWIFTLY!

    Happy 4/20, duuudes. Here’s a fun weed thing I was in like 4 years ago.

    Adam Newman delivered the most universal message from Bridgetown comedians on the last day of the fest. “I feel bad. I keep taking all your delicious Portland food, and turning it into diarrhea.

    the Portland Mercury

    It’s true, but what a festival!