“ Your is the new you’re.
the Internet, apparently.
You're at my blog and I appreciate that. My show schedule and more is at my real website. Email me about literally anything at adamnewman2 [at] gmail [dot] com.
Or Tumblr-ask me anything here.
Real Phone Call I Woke Up to Yesterday
RING RING
ME: Hello?
THEM: Adam.
ME: Yes.
THEM: Jeff?
ME: What?
THEM: Jeff?
ME: Adam?
THEM: Oh wait…let’s see…what am i doing here…
ME: I don’t know, but this is Adam.
THEM: Do you know Jeff?
ME: Jeff who?
THEM: Jeff…uh…?
ME: I don’t know, I need to know his last name.
THEM: Do you know anyone named Jeff?
ME: I know like 40 Jeff’s.
THEM: Hold on.
ME: I’m not gonna hold on.
THEM: Is this Jeff Rosenstock?
ME: This is Adam.
THEM: Well, what do you think of Jeff Rosenstock?
ME: I don’t think I know who that is.
THEM: It’s about an apartment.
ME: Oh. No, I’m looking for an apartment.
THEM: You’re looking for an apartment?
ME: Yea, is that not what you’re calling about?
THEM: How’s your credit?
ME: Excellent.
THEM: You looking for a 4 bedroom?
ME: No, I’m looking for a 1 bedroom.
THEM: Do you live in NY?
ME: Yea. Are you with an agency? Did we meet?
THEM: I’m with Supreme Real Estate. What do you think of Brooklyn?
ME: I live in Brooklyn. I love it.
THEM: I have a 4 bedroom at Eastern Plaza.
ME: I don’t even know where that is. Can you please tell me how you got my number?
THEM: Jeff Rosenstock.
ME: i don’t think I know who that is.
THEM: He put you down as a reference.
ME: For the apartment you’re trying to rent to me?
THEM: Yea. What do you think of him?
ME: I’m not sure I know who he is. Did he say how we know each other? Did we work together?
THEM: Please don’t put words in my mouth.
ME: This is the worst phone call I’ve ever had.
THEM: I’m looking, I just don’t have anything in a one bedroom.
ME: I don’t fully understand why you’re calling me.
THEM: Hold on, I’ll call Jeff and call you right back.
ME: OK, great.
HANG UP (and he never called back)
Jeff Rosenstock, if you’re someone I met at some point, I’m sorry for being the worst reference ever. Good luck with your apartment hunt.
This goes above the mantle if I ever get a mantle.
“ It’s a little different driving to Walmart in the Ferrari.
exactly what I expected and wanted from “Lottery Changed My Life.”
The Blink 182 front man teaches the delicate art of giving a sh*t.
I’m Max Hammerton, currently bandless.
I’ve really been enjoying commenting on my ex-coworker/CollegeHumor Producer David Kern’s Facebook statuses. (click the image to full size)
I don’t know how to express my disappointment towards North Carolina except to pun at them as angrily as I can:
North Fali-rolina
North Care-lame-ina
North Care-wrong-lina
North Not-fair-olina
North Caro-behind-the-times-a
Basically, as homophobic as North Carolina just proved themselves to be, they just fucked all their gays in the ass.
John Tesh is kind of a goober, but his NBA theme was far and away the best.
Wow! Over 10 million people have looked at my naked (blurred) butt!
99 Comics for the 99%
I’m one of 99 comics on this insane show tomorrow at UCB East. It supports OWS and you can get tickets here
ME TOO
Here’s a time I had a heckler a few years ago (I’m slow posting videos). She booed me immediately, and I’m too nice to be scary, but she was dealt with SWIFTLY!
Live RISK! from Portland
Kevin Allison hosts stories from me, Baron Vaughn, Giulia Rozzi, Janine Brito, and Maria Bamford. Mine’s about being in a gay porn, so if you’re my family or my gf’s family, maybe don’t listen.
Happy 4/20, duuudes. Here’s a fun weed thing I was in like 4 years ago.
“ Adam Newman delivered the most universal message from Bridgetown comedians on the last day of the fest. “I feel bad. I keep taking all your delicious Portland food, and turning it into diarrhea.
It’s true, but what a festival!
